Friday, February 19, 2010
I'm stupid. Y
I know fewer people come to my blog to read because everyone's busy studying.
Notice the title?
I mean it.
I have this discernible feeling that I will never do well for my studies. I felt so confident at the start of the year, but now.. really. I've tried and tried, yet failed and failed. My subjects are supposed to be a lot easier for me now - my sciences in particular - but.. not the grades that I want, especially not for chemistry. My language subjects quality is also burning down to a dangerously low level. I don't feel that .. spark (?) when I'm writing my essays - both english and malay . I'm not doing as well as I want myself to, not even as well as I
used to. And don't even get me started about maths. Additional maths is a pain. Period.
I try to put in effort for my mathematics, but regardless of what i do, I seem to always fail. No, I haven't failed any tests this year so far (which is a good thing), and yes, passing means I'm improving from last year (which is also a good thing) but its still not good enough. I don't want to be getting Cs for my subjects do I? Do you?
I dont even want to get a B. I fear that I'm never going to be able to do well. Despite what I do, I just won't. Somehow, I have thing feeling weighing in my heart that its too late, and impossible to do. No, I'm not just saying this because I'm emo. I've been feeling this since the start of this year, I just managed to ignore it - not so much anymore.
People in my class are probably doing far better than I am. I'm simply lagging behind, as usual.
I don't know whats the problem. I think I'm not putting in enough effort . I think i'm slacking too big a fraction. I think i'm not focused. If I am, then can you tell me how do I do all that? Becuase i've tried and it obviously hasn't worked for me one bit.
Bottom line - I'm stupid.
Everyone in my class is probably doing far better than I am. I think people look down on me. I think peopl know I'm not exactly very bright. Or am I just paranoid? I'm so, so worried...
I wish I could talk to someone about this. Problem is there's no one I feel safely comfortable with to speak to about it. & just so you know, this whole thought is disturbing me so bad, I cry myself to sleep every night.
& I shall do just that right now. Goodnight.
